Why Scheduled Sex Can Be The Best Sex You Will Ever Have

Anyone in a relationship that has moved on from the honeymoon stage will know how difficult it can be to navigate the sexual needs of the relationship. We are so often taught through movies, TV and books that sex should always be spontaneous, automatic and orgasmic or it’s just not “real sex” and also, maybe this means you aren’t “meant to be together”.

But what if I told you that you have more than likely only ever had scheduled sex? What if this whole honeymoon period was full of scheduled sex? Think about it for a second, you message or call your new partner, set up a date, and low and behold the date ends with a good old session of hot sex. Hot sex that was actually scheduled the whole time, maybe you didn’t say it to each other, but I am sure that you would be thinking about how sexy your partner is, how cute that thing they do is, how excited you are to be seeing them and touching them again. All of this is actually foreplay, foreplay that leads to sex, which is why sex is almost always scheduled.

While we are on the topic of foreplay, let’s explore it a little. What is foreplay to you? What is foreplay to your partner? Have you noticed when and where it starts?

Foreplay starts in your brain; because your brain is your main sex organ. If you are finding yourself saying “what are you going on about?” let me explain. So, your emotions help you get into the sensual, pleasure seeking mood and when this happens your brain sends signals and blood flow to your genitals causing erections in males and arousal in females. (If you are a female and finding hormonal issues are getting in your way, such as menopause, add a good water-based lube to help you get busy.) So, back to the foreplay, realistically, foreplay isn’t just the physical touching right before intercourse, it’s the psychological foreplay that starts hours before and the thoughts you have during sex. Which is why, it’s unlikely you want to have sex if you have just had an argument, or your partner has done something that has annoyed you. If you find yourself feeling like you aren’t in an adult-adult relationship and you are having sexual function issues, it is highly likely that it is not a physical issue, it is a relationship issue. Easily fixed if you are both willing participants.

An important part of any relationship is the emotional connection between you. When you schedule sex, it shows you are thinking of your partner and respect them by being willing to put in the effort to be with them. The actual act of sex is just one way we build an emotional connection with a partner, it’s also the lead up to the sexual behaviours (psychological foreplay) that encourage the vulnerability needed to form the deep emotional connection. How you talk to them, the way you think about them, how you support them to be excited for life and love, not just for sex.

So, back to your schedule. I know, I know, your schedule is probably already full, and you really don’t want to be adding any more tasks to it. But this is where it gets different. I don’t want you thinking about it like it’s a task that must be done at a certain time and day. Think of it as more like a form of self-care, or relationship building, or stress releasing, or a time when you are safe and comfortable to be pleasure seeking. What ever way you want to think about it, so it turns you on and gets you in the mood – do that. Then, every now and then remind yourself what is to come. Or what your favourite, most pleasurable time was that you’ve had before. Not to set a standard or expectation, but so you can remember how pleasurable it was and how good you felt before, during and afterward. This is when the psychological foreplay comes in handy. It’s the difference between thinking about sex like it’s a task versus something you really want to experience. What is that cute thing your partner does? What part of their body is your favourite? What turns you on about them?

Now, I say this with caution. Our brains are complex. It may not work every time and often we are so busy it is hard to go through all of those thought processes. Sometimes, especially for females, our bodies and brains are just not into it and that is perfectly OK. There is no set time when it must be done. What I am talking about is changing your thinking from “we only ever have scheduled sex, it’s not exciting anymore” to, “yes! tonight is the night we have been waiting for to have some much-needed alone time”

Here is another thing, your scheduled sex doesn’t have to be at night when you are both exhausted from your day. Schedule a day off, even if this means not making plans on one of your days off work. If you have kids, send them for a sleep over, or send them to school/day care like normal but organise a late start to work. Whenever you can find the time to just be alone with no distractions is when you can really enjoy yourselves, or yourself. Scheduled sex doesn’t have to be a partnered activity, in fact, if you are partnered and still schedule yourself in for some self-pleasure, your relationship will be better because there isn’t that added pressure when you feel like you need a sexual release and your partner just isn’t feeling it.

Scheduling sex is like a fun secret between you and the person you love to share sexual experiences with, this is where the excitement can come into it. You could get creative and come up with a codeword or use text to express your desire to schedule in some pleasure time. Not only does it keep things exciting, it gives you time to prepare, what will you wear, what will you do, will you be the initiator? All those little things you don’t get to think about when you have it sprung on you. Scheduling sex also encourages communication about sex. It helps to make it more comfortable to discuss what you like and how you like it and learn what your partner likes. If you have been wanting to explore something this also helps break down those awkward moments because you have become more comfortable with discussing sex in your relationship.

Scheduling sex builds excitement and a stronger relationship and isn’t that what we all want to strive for?