7 Signs Your Relationship Isn’t Good For You. And How To Change It.
1. One of you has more control than the other.
Relationships are all about power and learning to balance that power. A healthy relationship is like a seesaw. While you both have turns of having more power in the relationship, you still balance each other out. In unhealthy relationships one of you is always the “heavier” one on the seesaw. Holding onto their power and expecting you to give up yours. This is when one person has all the control. They make the big decisions, they don’t take your feelings into account and they basically believe relationships are dictatorships not partnerships. Relationships need to be equal, or it will do more damage than good.
2. You feel like you are walking on egg shells…a lot.
Having conversations about important things in your life and relationship are an important part of choosing to do life together. It’s normal to feel nervous approaching big conversations like having children or buying a house, where to holiday and a goal you want to achieve. But in unhealthy relationships you feel like you can’t approach your partner about smaller things let alone the big life changing things. You feel like you are going to get into trouble, as though you are a child and they are your parent. News flash. They aren’t your parent. If you feel like you are walking on egg shells this is a big red flag that things aren’t OK and you should get support to figure out what you need to do.
3. You are the house maid, chef and parent.
A big sign before you have children about what life will be like after children is the amount of housework and contribution to household tasks, like cooking meals, you each put in. It’s not the 1950’s anymore. The expectation that only one of you will have an income is pretty much non-existent in 2018. Gone are the days when it’s expected that a woman will look after her husband. When there is equal contribution to the running of a household with or without children, the satisfaction of the relationship is both fulfilling and pleasurable for both of you. So, if you are expecting your partner to be your maid, parent or chef; or you are feeling like the maid, parent and chef, this is a good warning sign that things are out of balance.
4. Sex is a dirty word… And not in a good way.
Healthy relationships are all about pleasure. Pleasure for the both of you. You don’t expect sex from your partner and you don’t demand it. People with unhealthy relationship patterns think they can demand sex, use it to control or punish, or expect to have it whenever they want. The thing is, consent is still an important part of sex. Both partners need to consent to any sexual behaviours/activities. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t give you the right to your partners body. Sex needs to be fun, sure sometimes it must be scheduled because you get busy or you want to try and conceive, but you aren’t driven by the need to control your partner or the need to give in. You do it because it gives you pleasure and makes you feel good. Sex should be a dirty word, but only if you like it that way.
5. You feel like the two of you are one person.
The old saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” has a good point to it. Did you know that desire grows when it has room to? I’m not talking about never seeing each other or ghosting your partner for days at a time. If you are constantly being each other’s emotional crutch (that is, you are too wrapped up in each other’s emotions to know who’s is who’s), it will soon push away any room for desire to grow. Unhealthy relationships make you feel guilty if you want alone time, time out with friends or even if you don’t share the same feelings around issues, aside from loving each other. Healthy relationships encourage each other to enjoy time alone or with friends, healthy relationships leave room for two people to have separate emotions and feelings. You can’t be stronger together unless you are strong on your own.
6. Arguments are avoided or go on for days.
Nobody enjoys confrontation. But if you avoid confrontation in your relationship then the pressure of what’s annoying you will just keep building until you explode. I’m not talking about nit picking everything your partner does that gets on your nerves, you might just be having an off week and in that case, take a breath and have some alone time. I’m talking about real issues that impact the relationship and what you want to get out of it. Healthy conflict in a relationship isn’t ongoing either. Successful conflict is dealt with in a reasonable amount of time and things move on. Know where you stand, use assertive language like “I am finding it difficult to….” and listen with the intent to hear, not to reply. If you aren’t getting anywhere or are going in circles, take a break, even write down what you are struggling with or look for new ways of communicating. Because here is a secret, communicating isn’t just using words. It’s silent treatment, it’s walking away, it’s body language and behaviour. If you aren’t hearing and seeing what you need to resolve the conflict and giving it a breather hasn’t helped there are some great books about relationships (Passionate Marriage – Dr David Schnarch & Mating in Captivity – Esther Perel) or you could try couples therapy.
7. Someone always has to be right.
If you find yourself or your partner always having to be right. This will cause issues in the relationship. Yes, it’s normal for one person to generally be correct about an issue, but when you are wanting to be right for the sake of being the “right one” your relationship will suffer. Is it worth the stress of always having to prove your point? Or is it something that won’t even matter in 5 years, let alone 5 hours. If the issue isn’t important and it’s more about someone being right, let it go, your sex life will thank you for it.
Now don’t get me wrong, at some point in our lives we will notice these in ourselves or come across people who have these attributes, we aren’t perfect, we all make mistakes. Some people will go on living their whole lives in unhealthy relationships and have no idea how to change it. Healthy relationships are about recognizing things aren’t perfect and having unconditional love for each other. When you do make a mistake, you own it, apologize and use behavior to show you mean it.
If you notice things in your relationship sound like some of the above points, use this information to raise it with your partner. If it’s not safe to do so, well that’s another red flag. In that case, please reach out for support from someone who understands unhealthy relationships.
Healthy relationships are people who choose to do life together. Choosing to support each other. Choosing to be better than they were yesterday, as an individual, not as a couple. It’s allowing the space for your partner to be the best version of themselves and using their support to be that version of yourself.
If you and/or your partner notice things in your relationship and want to change them, remember that change takes time, look for the best in each other and notice that behaviour speaks louder than words. That is where you will see the change.
If you need to talk to someone please find the below support lines for Australia:
In an emergency – 000
Lifeline – 13 11 14
1800RESPECT – 1800 737 732