We Need to Change the Goal

Last week I was a guest in my very first podcast! It was super nerve racking but also very exciting. The podcast is called This Complex Life with Marie Vakakis. The episode isn’t available yet but you can see more about Marie’s podcast here.

One of the great conversations we had was around changing the goal of sex. We are so conditioned to thinking that the goal of sex is orgasm. But for a lot of people that isn’t always the ideal goal or experience they want to have.

This is why I think we need to start the conversation early and continue it often. The goal of sex doesn’t need to be orgasm, the goal for sex should be connection with orgasm as a bonus. Human beings need connection to survive. There are different types of connection we can experience, with different people. But an intimate, sexual connection is when we become our most vulnerable and where we can experience our deepest connection.

I also think that when we change the conversation from orgasm being the goal, to connection being the goal (with orgasm a bonus), we set ourselves and our relationships up for better outcomes. Healthier relationships where we are feeling more fulfilled by and connected to, our partner.

And let’s be real here, for females in particular, the clitoris is going to give more pleasure than vaginal penetration alone. So unless you have the confidence to talk to your sexual partner about how you like to experience pleasure, chances are it’s going to be a one sided orgasm.

So how do we change the goal of sex?

We practice communicating what we want and how we feel sexual pleasure. If you don’t know how to feel sexual pleasure, take some alone time to touch different parts of your body, in different ways to see what you like. This helps you to communicate to your sexual partner what you enjoy and vice versa.

Let’s work to remove the stigma of using sex toys in partnered or solo sexual experiences. While this also carries a stigma for heterosexual males in particular, that they may not be able to fulfil their partner, it can add a whole new level of pleasure for both people in the sexual relationship by extending the connection and sexual experience.

When I mentioned earlier that the goal of sex should be discussed early and often, I don’t just mean in our sexual relationships, this is also for the parents. It is easier to talk to your teens about sex being about connection than sex being performative and orgasm oriented. Because we all know what connection should look like, but orgasm is different for everyone. I mean, physiologically, our bodies work similarly to reach orgasm, but the journey to get there can look very different for everyone.

This also provides a protective factor for teens around abuse. Connection includes safety and if there isn’t safety, they’ll know that something isn’t right.

Back to the original point of this blog (thanks ADHD brain) but some things to try to build connection instead of performative sexual experiences include trying things like:

• Communicating to your partner how you like to be touched

• Being mindful of the physical sensations during sexual experiences (alone or partnered)

• Taking time to yourself to give yourself sexual pleasure (if it ends in orgasm, that’s a bonus!)

• Exploring safe fantasies or sex toys to add a little more excitement.

We don’t want to minimise the orgasm, in fact, connection does the opposite and amplifies it, while it also allows a safe space when orgasm isn’t reached.

I’m going to end this blog with a challenge!

How can you start to focus on the connection of sexual experiences (either alone or partnered) instead of it being a performative experience?