The Unmasking of the Good Submissive Girl
What happens when the good submissive girl becomes the good submissive woman? People take advantage of her, she learns to people please to cope with the noisemakers. Keep the peace on the outside while inside is pure turmoil.
I’ve spent my whole life masking, people pleasing and being the good submissive girl. Recently, it came to my attention that I am neurodivergent and suddenly the world started to make sense. I’ve worked with neurodivergent people for years and we’ve always worked well, why? Because I’m a rule follower and I don’t like small talk. Neurodivergent folk love rules, rules are predictable and in my work in sex therapy and sex education it’s always been about the rules of sex. When can it happen, where can it happen, who it can happen with and how it can happen. There is no small talk required, clients want to cut through to the real stuff. It’s perfect!
So when I realised I have ADHD, I also realised that I was intensely masking and people pleasing to my own detriment. I fell into a severe ADHD burnout. Combine that with the start of perimenopause and an uncomfortable living situation, and I was stuck in a viscous cycle of people pleasing, being submissive and unable to function as I should have.
To some of the people around me, they assumed I was just lazy. FYI, Lazy is a trigger word for ADHD folk. Lazy to an ADHD person triggers shame. People who are being lazy on purpose, enjoy it. They relax in it, relish even. But when you have ADHD, there is no relaxation, it’s a constant shame spiral and constant internal struggle with what needs to be done. The constant internal monologue of “just get up and do the thing, it’s not hard, just do it” but even if we can get up to go do the thing, we will get distracted on our way, or during the task.
Much like how I’ve become distracted now.
When I realised I was being submissive and people pleasing to my own detriment, I set clear strong boundaries with some of the closest people to me. I don’t know if you know this, but the people who are the loudest when you set boundaries are the ones who were benefiting the most from you having none.
Boy, have I learnt who was taking advantage of my submissiveness and people pleasing.
These past few weeks have tested me in many ways and I have felt so uncomfortable sitting with the feeling of panic that comes with breaking this cycle of being submissive and people pleasing. There has been threats, intimidation, abuse, property stolen and yet I stand firm on my boundaries. I’ve had my experience minimised and dismissed by people that I thought were supposed to offer support.
Thankfully I’ve also had my experience validated and my voice has been heard by my wonderful husband and friends.
Even though these past few weeks have been horrible and I have learnt a lot, it’s also helped me see past relationships where I was also being the good submissive girl. Both in past roles at work and personal relationships.
I’ve always wondered how people who have taken advantage of me can feel okay about it. But then I realise not everyone analyses everything, like I do. And some people believe they are entitled to take advantage of others because of a situation they are in.
Once again, I’m getting distracted by analysing the choices of others.
Back to the unmasking of the good submissive girl.
What does it look like?
Well, this is just the beginning and I have a feeling, it’s not going to be the last time people around me are unhappy that I’ve set boundaries, and I will continue to set boundaries in the future.
Boundaries are just the first step of many. Unmasking is a complicated, layered process and one in which I am curious to see who I am without the mask and submissive people pleasing tendencies.
But what I do know, is that I will no longer be silent to make others comfortable. My voice, my experiences and my life are just as valid as yours. The good submissive girl is no more.