Let’s talk Orgasms
Before I start this blog, I am making an important statement. This blog is about consensual, pleasure focused, safe, sexual experiences.
Most adults have an idea, or know what an orgasm is, but not everyone has experienced one. Sometimes, people don’t actually know if they have ever experienced an Orgasm.
First, let me introduce you to the technical explanation of an orgasm. An orgasm is a physiological response to sexual pleasure and sexual stimulation. To get to orgasm, the human body goes through a sexual response cycle. The cycle is slightly different for males to females, but it basically goes along a similar path.
Disclaimer - this is a general explanation of the sexual response cycle, there are many theories of sexual response and it is important to note that this is a combination of those theories, from a clinical perspective. Relationship satisfaction, hormone levels, medications, physical and mental health, all have an impact on the sexual satisfaction of the individual. No matter what the “wellness” industry states, there is no research to show that desire can be treated by vitamins, watered down chemicals, or essential oils.
The sexual response cycle goes something like this (and it isn’t matter of fact, it can be different for everyone as mentioned in the disclaimer above).
Technical explanation:
Desire - The psychological response to sexual fantasies and thoughts, some people confuse this with libido. But it often is formed by connection. Connection to the sexual fantasies and thoughts and connection to the sexual partner. Desire promotes attraction to the sexual partner. Where there is emotional safety, desire becomes easier to experience.
Excitement/Arousal - The physical response to desire, where the heart beat increases, extra blood is sent to the genitals, providing erections for the penis and encouraging lubrication of the vaginal area and swelling among the vagina and vulva region, including the clitoris.
Plateau (I wouldn’t personally call it a plateau) - Arousal continues, physical feelings intensify. This is where the brain can become a major player in the sexual encounter. The brain needs to be in a state of mindfulness, where the person is feeling safe, comfortable and enjoying what is happening.
Orgasm - The perfect storm, where desire, arousal and plateau all collide. The sexual pleasure comes to a point where inhibitions are low, desire and arousal are high and the body has a physical reaction to it. This can feel like, an increase in:
Body temperature - causing sweating,
Pleasant physical sensations in the genitals,
Contractions and/or spams of the pelvic floor and in the base of the penis for males and vaginal walls for females.
This is where the penis should ejaculate.
Refractory period - This is when the body goes back to it’s normal state. It varies from person to person, and things like age, physical and mental health all have an impact on it. The research shows us that this is very different for males and females, with females able to have multiple orgasms within a short time period (if the conditions are right).
Basic explanation: The brain finds things arousing - fantasies, thoughts, partners, lovers. The brain sends a signal to the heart that the genitals need more blood. The extra blood helps with engorgement (swelling/erection) of the penis, vaginal walls and clitoris. Sexual stimulation from the brain and touching of the genitals and body, help the body to experience sexual pleasure until your body gets to the point where it has a release through orgasm. Which is the contractions and spasms of the pelvic floor, base of the penis, vagina and clitoris (depending on your body). Then the body goes back to it’s normal state.
Again, this is a brief and slightly technical overview of the text-book, orgasm experience for the human body.
I have talked before about how orgasms shouldn’t be the goal of sex, and they should be the bonus outcome, from the sexual connection. But people everyday experience, or try to experience an orgasm and it is important that you give yourself time to learn what you like, sexually, and how you like to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm. This can be in the form of masturbation, or partnered sex.
We also get great health outcomes from orgasms like pain relief, better connection to our body and sexual partners, relaxation, better health outcomes and for some, it boosts the quality of sleep. I am not a stranger to prescribing nightly orgasms to improve sleep for clients, and those that have tried it, reported good results in their experience. In my clinical experience, where a client comes to me desperate for sleep after trying everything, I offer this piece of homework and so far, it has worked.
*There is also the caveat that it will not work for everyone, and you need to have an understanding of how your body feels after the orgasm to be able to decide if it will help you in your circumstances.
Everyone is different and experiences sexual pleasure in different ways. This is ok. The important thing is that this is experienced privately and safely.
Other influences on the orgasm experience
We also need to look at the importance of our environment. If we aren’t feeling emotionally and physically safe, our brain won’t let us relax enough to feel the pleasure from our body, this is why I speak about connection. Connection to self, and/or the sexual partner. We need connection to feel safe, both physically and emotionally.
Connection influences desire.
Desire has such an important role in orgasms. While it is mentioned in the sexual response cycle above, I feel like this is where we lose important evidence-based information. The wellness industry would have you believe that you can get your desire “back” by buying their special product that has no scientific evidence of efficacy. But what the research shows us, is that our environment is what has the biggest impact on our desire. Desire is a psychological response to safety in intimacy. Desire is when you feel safe and comfortable within yourself to masturbate or within your relationship to have partnered sex, to the point of orgasm.
We also need to consider hormones. Research also shows us that fluctuations in hormones through the month will affect libido. Libido is what adds to our sexual feelings of wanting to have sex, or feeling horny. Stress and peri/menopause impacts hormones and libido. So if you are finding that your libido isn’t where you’d like it to be, it is important to look at all parts of your life.
Take a minute to look objectively at the stressors, physical health, mental health, hormones, peri/menopause, medications and the biggest impact - the level of your intimate relationship satisfaction. All of these will impact the quality of orgasms you could be having.
I was asked recently, in the podcast I was a guest on (you can listen to it here), what I say to couples where one person is having sex “for the sake of it”, or to “get their partner off their back” and while I personally disagree with going against what your body and brain want, when you really don’t want to and when they have 2 hands and access to a shower! By the way, this is coercion and does not provide safety or connection.
But the reality is, this happens every day. So when I come across this issue with clients, I talk about re-framing the conversation. Communicate with each other what you want, is it connection, is it orgasm, is it both? If one is wanting it and the other isn’t but you feel like you still want to participate in sex with them, then set the clear intention. This sex is about connection for me, not orgasm. Or This sex is about orgasm for me, not connection. Are you ok with what is happening with your body?
I also take this opportunity to educate the clients that individual, private masturbation in relationships leads to better relationship satisfaction. When we aren’t reliant on our partner to take care of all of our sexual needs, and we can take care of some of them ourselves. Our relationships function better and the sex is better, because you are engaging in connection oriented sex, rather than a one-sided “satisfy me whether you like it, or not” experience.
Side note: Explore why you still want to engage in sex in this scenario, is it about satisfying your partner? Does this feel ok for you? There is no harm in satisfying your partner and we can feel pleasure in this space too. This can also impact relationship satisfaction and orgasm quality. But feeling like you have to partake in sex just because someone can’t relieve themselves, isn’t fun for anyone involved and if it is, I highly recommend you do some reflection on what sex is to you and why you feel like your partner has to satisfy your every sexual need. Spoiler alert - we don’t own our partners body and they are not our orgasm machines.
Quality over Quantity
What I am talking about here, is identifying how you experience orgasm.
Is it similar to the cycle above?
Is it different when you masturbate compared to when you are partnered?
If you haven’t experienced an orgasm before, do you want to?
Do you start, but it feels like too much?
If that’s the case, what are you worried about happening? Are you worried about how your body will react?
Are you satisfied with the level of orgasm you have now?
We want quality orgasms that add to our life, not pressure to perform. Give yourself permission to do what feels good for you. Talk to your sexual partner about how things can be different, if you need something different from them. It is so hard to start talking about this, we are so vulnerable, which is why having emotional and physical safety is so important in our relationships. Also, the more we communicate, the easier it gets. It becomes the new normal in your sex life, to be actively involved in understanding how your partner likes to feel sexual pleasure.
The purpose of the orgasm is to feel good. Not to perform for someone else.
Never forget that, because every body deserves to feel pleasure and deserves to experience orgasms.